Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Ten More Twisted Holiday Tips You Probably Won't Find Anywhere Else

It seems that every holiday season, magazines, newspapers, radio & TV commentators, and even bloggers make it a point to post tips that will save us time and money in the kitchen and beyond. However, I'm finding that many of the holiday tips offered over the years are becoming annoyingly redundant.

I mean, how many times have you read, "Be sure to remove your newly-purchased frozen turkey from the plastic bag before roasting."?

Or "To reduce the chance of a Christmas Eve fire, hang your stockings on the outside of the fireplace."?

And how about "Don't lick frozen flagpoles. Geez, didn't you learn anything from A Christmas Story?"?

I already sense some of you nodding your heads. I rest my case.

That's why last year I determined that I would break free from the mold and offer holiday tips that you probably won't find anywhere else (see: http://bit.ly/ssH8KW and http://bit.ly/gpk5OR).

And let me tell you, it was a smashing success. Comments ranged from the glowing, "Just two of your tips saved me so much time and money that I was able to take the whole family to Cancun over the holidays" to the semi-glowing "Mr. Caterson, you are one sick puppy. Stay away from my family."

So, in light of this new holiday tradition, I'm more than pleased to offer yet another 10 holiday tips you won't find anywhere else. These are the lessons I've learned. Consider them my gift to you. Enjoy!

1. Do you hate those wire-mesh contraptions that enwrap the plastic "corks" of grocery store champagne bottles? Me, too. But even though many of us would consider it a time saver, opening these bottles with a bolt cutter will deflate any cheer that may be hovering in the yuletide air.

2. Buying someone a gift subscription to a magazine may be a good idea - but only if they have an interest in the theme of the magazine. (I've often ordered gift subscriptions to Saveur or Bon Appetit for my cooking friends.) Just cuz you happen to enjoy bowhunting in the nude or, perhaps, amassing a world class collection of empty toilet paper tubes, does not mean that everyone else on your Christmas list shares the same passion. So it's best not to order subscriptions to Crossbows and Chicks or The Charmin Cardboard Connoisseur for anyone but yourself.

3. My family has always been frugal and "green" so we thought it would be cool to wrap our Christmas gifts with the Sunday comics. Think about it. They're colorful, cheap and they always have the potential to elicit a few laughs before being ripped to shreds. However, using old copies of Crossbows and Chicks in the name of frugality will not win you any green points from your conservation-minded family members. Especially if the kids are young. Say, under 23. Or if any family members have ever exhibited any signs of good taste.

4. Putting out a cold glass of milk along with a plate of Ex-Lax laced chocolate chip cookies seemed like a good idea when your creepy Uncle Larry dressed up to play Santa Claus. (You remember Uncle Larry, he's the guy who, in order to be frugal, wrapped all your gifts in Crossbows and Chicks magazine covers). But it wasn't a good idea to do the same thing when your oh-so-cool Uncle Leland dressed up as Santa that one year. (You remember Uncle Leland. He's the guy who bought you that new XBox 360 wrapped up in the Sunday funnies.)

5. Some leftovers are great to take home when you leave a big holiday feast. I'm thinking turkey, ham, or pumpkin pie. But some leftovers are best just, well, left. I'm thinking of the homemade Fried Baloney Soup and the Pineapple Upside Down Beans that Aunt Frieda and Cousin Elly foisted upon the family last holiday season.

6. And speaking of leftovers, if you really enjoy them (and who doesn't?) perhaps you should forgo roasting another turkey for Christmas and opt, instead, for an emu. The drumsticks alone will feed a family of five for a whole month.

7. And while we're on the topic of holiday food traditions, candied yams are not really made with candy, so you can put away all those bags of candy corn you have left over from Halloween. I know, I know, sticking them all over the sweet potatoes makes them look like a herd of little orange porcupines, but it does not make them candied yams.

8. I love real Christmas trees. I know that they can be a pain with all the sap and falling needles, but you really can't beat the aroma that a real fir brings to the home. However, buying an artificial tree and festooning it with a dozen pine air fresheners from the local car wash won't hold a candle to the real thing. Not even remotely so.

9. Do you want everyone in the family to love you? Find a great recipe for chocolate chip cookies and whip up a huge batch. Just be sure to leave out the Ex-Lax. Even if that creepy Uncle Larry shows up.

10. And while we are talking about Christmas trees, gifts, and glorious chocolate chip cookies, let me leave you with this: things may not be as you wished they were, but the party...you're party...would not be complete without you. This is what folks who are more sagacious than I call Grace. Heck, the great novelist Frederick Buechner said it better than I ever could. So pour a glass of wine and reflect on his words. And in doing so, may this year's Christmas be, oh, so merry!

“The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you. There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.”

Merry Christmas, everyone!


  1. LOVING the tips, my culinary compadre!! May your tree be filled with appropriately hung balls...=D

  2. Check and check, just threw out the Ex-lax. Thanks for the tips;)

  3. @Joan. As always. Your thoughts and comments light up my nights. Now... about those appropriately hung balls... :-D

  4. @Gwen. Glad I could help. Ex-Lax wise. LMAO!

  5. 1. Why bother with a bolt cutter ... just smash that bottle open!
    2. Didn't know you were into hunting baby chickens? Weird.
    3. Hah! My brother's kids have always wrapped presents with the cartoon pages and here I was thinking they were just being cheap.
    4. Now I know why my family gathering's getting smaller. Wondering why everyone's decided to go abroad during the holidays. Hmm...
    5. Ohhh ... I thought it was a new room freshener! Ew.
    6. Emu, eh? I wonder if they ship over here? Gotta get a bigger oven.
    7. What leftover candy? Burp.
    8. Well, lucky you, to have real trees. We get plastic and styrofoam ones. At least with the styrofoam ones we get a flurry of fake snow every now and then whenever it gets knocked over by the cat.
    9. Too late.
    10. Love it!

    PS: You figure I'll get a lump of coal in my stocking this year? :D

  6. @ping. This absolutely cracked me up! And if it was up to me, there'd be no coal for you! :-D

  7. Hi, You forgot about kids in the kitchen. About 18 months ago now my 3 year old niece played with the oven switches, no one knew the hob was on and that there was a plastic(?) bread machine appliance sat on the hob. The whole family went out shopping, while they were out the house burned down - no joke. I should write a list like this, it would contain one tip: 'If in doubt: add alcohol.' My first 'bout' (yes, I mean 'bout' - good choice of word, no?) of entertaining starts this weekend - bring it on ! :o)

  8. You made me giggle so much! Thanks for the smiles and Marry Christmas to you too!

  9. @Kooky Girl. Oh my! I'll add the little kids and ovens in my next top ten! Oh, and one question about the alcohol tip: do you mean adding alcohol to the dish you're cooking, or to the guests that will be eating it? :-)

  10. @Little Housewife. Thanks for dropping by and sharing in the smiles! Take care!

  11. I love those tips. Actually giving serious thought to wrapping gifts in the Sunday comics. Thanks for making me smile today.


  12. @Alaiyo Kiasi-Barnes. Thanks! We use Sunday comics for b'day presents, too. Heck, we've even used them for wedding gifts, although then tended to stick out like a ripe tomato in a sea of lettuce. But hey, who doesn't like a big fat ripe tomato in their salad, lol!

  13. Best tips I've read in a long time...nope, probably ever. Thanks for the smile.

  14. @Rhonda. Thanks for the compliment! Please feel free to drop by often!

  15. @Abbey. LOL! Now...wait til you meet my aunts! :-D

  16. Hi, I mean both my dear Warren, both of course.. Knowingly numbing the pain of Christmas entertaining in all ways possible, for all concerned. (And don't you dare pinch that one ;o)) Ha deee ha, tra la la! :o)

  17. @Kooky Girl. Thanks for the clarification! Oh...and I promise not to pinch one single thing. This year. ;-)

  18. This is so funny, I had to share it, at the same time posting my cheesy "Holiday Tips" on my blog. Warren, you are a gift to comedy and to to the food world. Remember that you inspired me a year ago when you saw me - a new person - on Foodbuzz. You said "You have talent... come join Florida Food bloggers." Now I've won several awards, been published in several mags, and readership is now up to 1,500 a month... hardly big time but growing... I thank you, my friend, this holiday season for giving me inspiration... and also... for your humor... KEEP US LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!

  19. LOL! Great post! :)
    I'm totally thinking of doing Emu now.
    And, who doesn't love (to give) ex lax cookies?! Tee-hee!

  20. @Just for Cooking. Thanks for your kind words. I'm encouraged by your success! Keep up the good work and I promise I'll do my best to keep the laffs coming. :-D

  21. @michelle@the village cook. Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! And yes, you absolutely must go with the emu. But go easy on the ex lax cookies, lol!

  22. Warren too funny, I'll take your uncles over the grumpy Granny, I need a few tips for her. We have tried putting her in a corner, getting her smashed (didn't work, boy can she hold her liquor) Over salting everything (because she doesn't eat salt, high blood pressure) We even tried being nice, once, waste of time!

    But it's all good, we make sure to play "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" over and over, while she's here!

    Merry Christmas!

  23. @Joan@chocolateandmore. Thanks for stopping by! Hmmm. Grumpy Granny, eh? Seems like we need to address her in the next list of holiday tips, :-)

  24. Love the Buechner quote. Needed it today... thanks.

  25. @Leslie. Ah yes, Buechner. He has so many great quotes it's hard to choose just one, lol. Glad it lifted your spirits. Blessings to you and the fam!

  26. :) It's all I have time for today! Grace and peace.