Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Food Wisdom from the Ancients. And Then Some.

As I flit about the Foodie Cybersphere I can't help but love all the pithy food quotes that people are wont to post. Including me.

They bring a smile to my face and a warm feeling to my tummy. I love the classics like:

"Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity."  ~ Voltaire


“Noncooks think it's silly to invest two hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is the ballet." ~  Julia Child

And I love the new ones like:  "I could piss off your happy meal." (Thanks, Felisha.)              

But as an avid food blogger, sometimes I yearn for something deeper. Something beyond the norm.

In the world of Big Mac blog quotes I sometimes pine for a taste of Kobe Beef (with a smidgen of sauteed onions and just a touch of Irish Butter.)

I want to hear the voices of the ancients who have trod the path before me. To glean from their wisdom. Learn from their experience. Or maybe even get their great German knives and copper cookware I could never afford when they pass on to that great kitchen in the sky.

But how?!

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I had to gather together those steeped in the ancient disciplines. Like:

Linguistics. My good friend Charisse loves linguini. No joke. And she can kick butt on any one of a dozen linguini dishes. (Her puttenesca? To die for!) So I guess I have a linguist in my corner.

Archaeology. I went to college with a guy who now plays a pirate on Captain Nemo's Pirate Ship down at the pier. Sure, he's getting a bit on in years, but he can growl "Argh" with the best of them. Man, that dude can put the ''Argh" in Archaeologist. So I guess I have that covered.

A great Epicurean. I don't go to the movies very often any more (ever since they put that padlock on the alley door) but I really do try to see the epics. Films like the X-men franchise, Iron Man, Captain America, the final Harry Potter film... But my friend Ron sees all the epics. He even buys tickets to romantic comedies. Heck, he even sees the jive-ass slapstick crap that wouldn't even rate as sitcoms. But he goes nuts over the blockbuster epics. So I guess I have an Epicurean on board.

Next, I needed a wine expert. That would be an oenologist. But since I can't spell it or even say it on a consistent basis (especially after a glass or two of wine) I knew I'd have to pass on an actual wine expert and settle on a really good whiner. That would be my friend, Bart. His wife ran off with a juggler from the circus and his son just converted to Scientology so he can jump up and down on a late night TV show couch just like Tom Cruise. And last Saturday his daughter booked a room at the Plaza for a mad night of passion with a newly-paroled purse snatcher she met on Facebook. Oh, and Bart just bought a Yugo with low miles on Craig's List. Yes, I do believe Bart can whine with the best of them. He's in.

So the five of us committed ourselves to bringing you the crème de la crème of the ancients.

I hope the wisdom of these elders inspires you like it did us.

And if not, you can always go back to reading Bon Appetit. I loved the latest issue with the lead article: "The Glamorous Movie Star, the Food Her Dad Made Her, and the Cookbook She had Someone Ghostwrite for Her."



Wisdom from the Ancients

"Berries picked at dawn will nourish those who dine at noon. Berries picked at eve won't. Sorry." ~ Etched on the Sixth Obelisk at Stonehenge.

"I despaired that I had no eating utensils. Then I met a man that had no arms. So I said, "Since you probably won't be using that fork…"  From the Fourth Writings of the Upurarse, 174 BC

"I climbed the Big Rock Candy Mountain seeking knowledge. I met a wise lollipop on a lonesome road and asked, "What must I do to find enlightenment?" The lollipop smiled and with a twinkling eye replied, "Suck me." ~  From the writings of Diu Mi, Fourth Dynasty, 27 BC 

"An olive and a bit of cheese on the tongue of a poor man is better than a cup of Venti Starbucks left on the roof of a Porsche as the owner darted out of the lot late for yet another stupid meeting. Verily, amen." ~ Corporitus Interruptus, 99 AD

"On a chill as winter's evening there's nothing quite like a hot bowl of soup. No wait. A steaming bowl of water with some bits of vegetables in it is a lot like a bowl of soup. Nevermind." ~ St. Gastronome the Obvious, 515 AD

"Preparing a meal for your loved ones reflects the mighty miracle of Jesus feeding the 5000. Except there are probably 4,995 fewer of you. More or less." ~  Pope Flavorius, 949 AD

"A fine, fatted, fowl fit for the fourth Friday of February is much easier said once than three times fast." ~ St. Stu the ~  1349 AD

"Canadian bacon is neither Canadian, nor bacon. But it sure makes a one hell of an Egg McMuffin." ~ Sir Ronald McDonald, 1982 AD

"If it weren't for Evander Holyfield's ears, I'd be a vegetarian tomorrow."  ~ Mike Tyson, 1997

"God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world. And God created haggis to keep the Scots from going into the restaurant business." ~ St. Warren the Wiseass, 2011 AD

Now...what ancient wisdom have you gleaned lately?


  1. Wow, what an inspiring post! Thks for sharing, Warren!

  2. Here is one of my favorites. "A dirty kitchen is the unfortunate consequence of having fun in a clean one." ~ Chef Felisha Wild

    Have a wonderful day Warren. :-)

  3. I love the quotes! Brought a smile to my face...thanks!

  4. Love the quotes, especially the Ronald McDonald one :)

  5. @Blackswan. Thanks for stopping by!

  6. @Chef Felisha. Another great quote! That makes two. :-)

  7. @Sheri. Glad you enjoyed them. I try to pose weekly so feel free to drop by often. :-D

  8. @Clair. Thanks! One question tho: why don't you have any killer pics of McDonalds on your East West Eats site? Perhaps you should. Just a thought... lol.

  9. What a great post!

  10. @katshealthcorner. Thanks, Kathleen! I hope it was as inspiring to you as it was me. If not? Heck, more inspiration to come! lol

  11. These are great!! Made me smile on a Monday morning :)

  12. @cardamom junkie. Thanks! I think we can all appreciate a little bit of fun to start the week off. :-)

  13. Hi Warren,

    I so love your blog description at the top of the page. It sets the tone for the humor within your blog. I also enjoy your culinary inspired headings (i.e. "Seated around the table" above the followers box; "Delicious Leftovers" above the archives). Every part of your blog appears to be so well planned and appropriate.

    Anyway, here's my two cents regarding wise words from the ancients:

    "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." ~Forrest Gump

    "Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you who you are." Brillat-Savarin



  14. I love that no matter when I stumble back to your blog, I always leave with a giggle and a huge grin. St Warren the Wiseass is one very, very wise dude.

    My contribution: "Life is too short to eat bad cake," Di-licious Cupcakes 2011

  15. @Alaiyo Kiasi-Barnes. Thanks for dropping by. I hope you'll continue to do so! And thanks for the words of wisdome, too. :-)

  16. @Di-licious. And of course, Di, you are always more than welcome to stumble in anytime. :-D Love your quote, too!

  17. The Voltair quote says it all for me!!

  18. I thoroughly enjoyed these quotes and your recent follow of my wine blog! Thanks for the support. I'll definitely be checking back soon!

  19. @Florence Haridan. Bout time you showed up. We've been waiting for you! LOL.

  20. @Kelsey. Thanks for dropping by! And your blog? I love to read about wine, especially when I'm also drinking it! :-)