State Fair Food - Or Why Wear Seatbelts on a Rain-Slick Mountain Road?

As we ease out of August and enter the fall season many of us will be drawn to the cool outdoors. Some of us will long to go hiking in the woods, some of us will fill the stands of our favorite football team, and some of us will make plans to revel in that great American institution: the State (or County) Fair.

At one time, State Fairs focused on livestock, produce, and the joyful simplicities of rural life. Sure there was a midway where gaudy portable rides offered a few cheap thrills, but the highlight was usually the competitions, where friends and neighbors vied for the fattest pig or the best apple pie.

I'm sure many State Fairs still include the tradition of competitions, but these events are not as well attended as they were in days past. Even the Midway has undergone a metamorphosis: classic rides like the merry-go-round or tilt-a-whirl have been replaced by contraptions constructed by itinerant workers whose skills would make them more usefully employed as dirt sifters, furniture testers, or US Senators. Mind-numbing rides like The Mutant, The Bone Crusher, or The Kiddie Coaster with Six Missing Critical Bolts.

But by far, one of the most popular draws is the food. Whereas fair-going families of yore relished normally forbidden treats like crisp and juicy corn dogs, pillows of cotton candy, or caramel apples the size of softballs, today's modern fair goer is introduced to food that would've baffled even the most adventurous diner of days gone by. I'm sure you've seen, and perhaps tasted, some of these artery clogging creations. I offer here just a few along with improved variations that I feel would be "more tempting to the masses while fattening their asses." Or what I've formally dubbed, "Warren's Mass of Ass State Fair Snacks."

I mean why careen down a rain-slick mountain road without seat belts when you can cut the brake lines before doing so to ensure a more entertaining and satisfying trip? Enjoy!

State Fair Standard Midway Food:

Deep Fried Snickers Bars. These candy bars (one of my favorites when I was a kid) already boasts 29 grams of sugar and tops out at 266 calories, so why deep fry it and coat it with sugar? Because we can. Now this little treat boasts 700 calories. That's more than three slices of pepperoni cheese pizza.

Warren's Mass of Ass Improvement:

Glazed Deep Fried Oreo-Stuffed Twinkies with Sprinkles. Deep Fried Oreos and its cousin, Deep Fried Twinkies have become State Fair staples, so why not combine them and coat them with a sugary glaze and a fistful of colorful sprinkles? Boo-yeah. Now we're batting 1,000 (calories, that is.)

State Fair Standard:

Krispy Kreme Burgers. Created in the Deep South and popularized by Paula Dean (sorry PD, but I already trademarked "Mass of Ass"), this concoction features a quarter pound beef pattie topped with cheese and bacon then sandwiched between a buttered Krispy Kreme Donut. Some calorie counters peg it at 500 calories and some at over 1,000. Of course one must ask, how do you dunk that sucker?

Warren's Improvement:

Double Fried Krispy Kreme Meatball Subs. Face it, many fair goers still feel hungry after eating the Krispy Kreme Burger. For those whose cravings exceed the calorie count of one of these standards, we offer the ultimate state fair sub where ground beef and a beef-like product are molded into globes the size of tennis balls, wrapped in bacon, then deep fried. These are topped with tomato sauce, fried onions, fried green peppers, and 11 different cheeses (fried lettuce is available on request) and sandwiched between four halved Krispy Kreme Donuts before the whole sandwich is deep fried again. The best part? No need to dunk. Problem solved.

State Fair Standard:

Deep Fried Butter. This is one of the latest fads on the State Fair circuit. Balls of butter are coated in batter and deep-fried until the outside is crisp. Fans liken it to a croissant with a more buttery taste. Croissant? Um, right. I think I hear the French surrendering. Again.

Warren's Improvement:

Lard on a Stick. Why go through the hassle of preparing a batch of coating and firing up the deep fat fryer? Cut down on time without cutting calories with a big hunk of Lard-on-a-Stick.

Y'know, now that I think about it, it appears that people in general will eat anything if it is deep fried, so why don't vendors skip the food wholesaler altogether and deep fry items that they don't even have to pay for? Items that are readily available in any community? Talk about pure profit! I've already invented several. Enjoy, but please don't drool on your laptop.

Warren's New Ultra-Profitable Mass of Ass State Fair Snacks:

- Deep Fried Dog Shit. Raw materials available at any park.

- Deep Fried Already-Chewed Gum. Available under school desks and subway seats.

- Deep Fried Lint. Available in most pockets and a host of belly buttons.

- Deep Fried Shards of Glass. Available in most vacant lots.

and, lest we forget the vegan and vegetarian crowd,

- Deep Fried Grass Clippings and Twigs. Available in most gated communities.

Now we're talking! Look for my booth at your local fair. I'll have the one with the really long lines. And with all the big-ass people around, there should be more than enough shade...

Warren