Sunday, August 21, 2011

State Fair Food - Or Why Wear Seatbelts on a Rain-Slick Mountain Road?

As we ease out of August and enter the fall season many of us will be drawn to the cool outdoors. Some of us will long to go hiking in the woods, some of us will fill the stands of our favorite football team, and some of us will make plans to revel in that great American institution: the State (or County) Fair.

At one time, State Fairs focused on livestock, produce, and the joyful simplicities of rural life. Sure there was a midway where gaudy portable rides offered a few cheap thrills, but the highlight was usually the competitions, where friends and neighbors vied for the fattest pig or the best apple pie.

I'm sure many State Fairs still include the tradition of competitions, but these events are not as well attended as they were in days past. Even the Midway has undergone a metamorphosis: classic rides like the merry-go-round or tilt-a-whirl have been replaced by contraptions constructed by itinerant workers whose skills would make them more usefully employed as dirt sifters, furniture testers, or US Senators. Mind-numbing rides like The Mutant, The Bone Crusher, or The Kiddie Coaster with Six Missing Critical Bolts.

But by far, one of the most popular draws is the food. Whereas fair-going families of yore relished normally forbidden treats like crisp and juicy corn dogs, pillows of cotton candy, or caramel apples the size of softballs, today's modern fair goer is introduced to food that would've baffled even the most adventurous diner of days gone by. I'm sure you've seen, and perhaps tasted, some of these artery clogging creations. I offer here just a few along with improved variations that I feel would be "more tempting to the masses while fattening their asses." Or what I've formally dubbed, "Warren's Mass of Ass State Fair Snacks."

I mean why careen down a rain-slick mountain road without seat belts when you can cut the brake lines before doing so to ensure a more entertaining and satisfying trip? Enjoy!

State Fair Standard Midway Food:

Deep Fried Snickers Bars. These candy bars (one of my favorites when I was a kid) already boasts 29 grams of sugar and tops out at 266 calories, so why deep fry it and coat it with sugar? Because we can. Now this little treat boasts 700 calories. That's more than three slices of pepperoni cheese pizza.

Warren's Mass of Ass Improvement:

Glazed Deep Fried Oreo-Stuffed Twinkies with Sprinkles. Deep Fried Oreos and its cousin, Deep Fried Twinkies have become State Fair staples, so why not combine them and coat them with a sugary glaze and a fistful of colorful sprinkles? Boo-yeah. Now we're batting 1,000 (calories, that is.)

State Fair Standard:

Krispy Kreme Burgers. Created in the Deep South and popularized by Paula Dean (sorry PD, but I already trademarked "Mass of Ass"), this concoction features a quarter pound beef pattie topped with cheese and bacon then sandwiched between a buttered Krispy Kreme Donut. Some calorie counters peg it at 500 calories and some at over 1,000. Of course one must ask, how do you dunk that sucker?

Warren's Improvement:

Double Fried Krispy Kreme Meatball Subs. Face it, many fair goers still feel hungry after eating the Krispy Kreme Burger. For those whose cravings exceed the calorie count of one of these standards, we offer the ultimate state fair sub where ground beef and a beef-like product are molded into globes the size of tennis balls, wrapped in bacon, then deep fried. These are topped with tomato sauce, fried onions, fried green peppers, and 11 different cheeses (fried lettuce is available on request) and sandwiched between four halved Krispy Kreme Donuts before the whole sandwich is deep fried again. The best part? No need to dunk. Problem solved.

State Fair Standard:

Deep Fried Butter. This is one of the latest fads on the State Fair circuit. Balls of butter are coated in batter and deep-fried until the outside is crisp. Fans liken it to a croissant with a more buttery taste. Croissant? Um, right. I think I hear the French surrendering. Again.

Warren's Improvement:

Lard on a Stick. Why go through the hassle of preparing a batch of coating and firing up the deep fat fryer? Cut down on time without cutting calories with a big hunk of Lard-on-a-Stick.

Y'know, now that I think about it, it appears that people in general will eat anything if it is deep fried, so why don't vendors skip the food wholesaler altogether and deep fry items that they don't even have to pay for? Items that are readily available in any community? Talk about pure profit! I've already invented several. Enjoy, but please don't drool on your laptop.

Warren's New Ultra-Profitable Mass of Ass State Fair Snacks:

- Deep Fried Dog Shit. Raw materials available at any park.

- Deep Fried Already-Chewed Gum. Available under school desks and subway seats.

- Deep Fried Lint. Available in most pockets and a host of belly buttons.

- Deep Fried Shards of Glass. Available in most vacant lots.

and, lest we forget the vegan and vegetarian crowd,

- Deep Fried Grass Clippings and Twigs. Available in most gated communities.

Now we're talking! Look for my booth at your local fair. I'll have the one with the really long lines. And with all the big-ass people around, there should be more than enough shade...

Warren

29 comments:

  1. Deep Fried Butter?! That almost sounds WRONG! ;) Haha, wow.

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  2. Everything on here sounds wrong to me. How about if we just deep fry our hearts? Then again, I have never eaten a funnel cake, and don't plan too. My supervisor at work tells me the story that her husband wants to make a pizza burger. He wants to fry up a batch of ground beef. Put it on a pizza. Cover it with american cheese and cover it with another pizza. Heat them until they all melt and actually eat that. I say go for it dude. It's your heart attack, not mine. Sometimes living your life is more important than preserving it, but I'm not sure this qualifies. But if it floats your boat, invite your buddies over for the game and server that sucker.

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  3. I love the sound of deep fried butter....I'll eat anything fried - excluding dog shit :) lol

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  4. @katshealthcorner. When someone first told me about Deep Fried Butter I thought it was a joke. Then I found out it wasn't! LOL.

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  5. @emmy. Where there's a will (and a few extra pizzas lying around) there's a way. :-D

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  6. @Ali Mc. Not even if the dog is European or East Asian to give it a more ethnic flavor? LOL!

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  7. This post made my day. Sometimes I wonder if America's new motto is, "Deep fry it, because if you don't I'll sue you."

    As always, thanks for the giggles.

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  8. OMG. Are you having a laugh !!! Just reading 'The Double Fried Krispy Kreme Meatball Subs' has made me feel a little sick, and now I want to heave... Eugh. Just what is it with this Krispy Kreme obsession ?? They're vile. I eat one, I taste it all day. Food most foul and evil. Fried butter ??? Come on !!! And there was I most naively thinking you were going to write about home produced, organic, tasty, healthy fair food - not deep fried dog crap and the like. An astounded KG - please tell me this stuff isn't served up at your fairs. Hello!!! Heart attack city !

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  9. @Kooky Girl. Believe it or not, all of these items (with the exception of my "improvements") are available at most State/County Fairs. A pretty sad commentary on America's recreational eating habits. The funny thing? I had a hard time coming up with my "improvements" since the real items were so off-the-wall. :-)

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  10. I have to admit, I've had the Snickers bar, the Oreo, and the Twinkie. I'm a bit of a sugar-whore...
    but the rest...well...no thank you.
    I remember fairs when the big treat was funnel cake. And it was a chore to get my mom to consent to that much sugar or fat. I can't even imagine asking her for a deep fried butter ball...ug. The thought of it makes my stomach turn.

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  11. @Ivy Bliss. Snickers, Oreo, Twinkies? My, aren't you the adventurous one! (Sugar-whore? Too funny!) Are you sure I can't interest you in some deep-fried lawn clippings and twigs? The garbage men come tomorrow and there's bags and bags of the stuff all up and down the street. Just a thought. :-)

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  12. I hope one day to try a deep fried Snickers bar, and then hit the gym hard for a week.

    Loved the article!

    Alaiyo

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  13. @Alaiyo Kiasi-Barnes. I don't know, Alaiyo. After eating one of these deep fried items you may have to hit the gym hard for more than a week! LOL

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  14. I heard the term "deep fried butter" for the first time only recently and I thought someone was being sarcastic. Seriously? We are looking forward to our first fair of the season this weekend and I'm going for the sausage with peppers and onions and those amazing fries with vinegar. I love New England!

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  15. I think it's absolutely amazing what people will consume. I know we're told to live for the day, but Deep Fried Butter and Krispy Kream Burgers will surely bring you closer to your last. :)

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  16. @Candace. Exactly what I thought when I first heard about 'deep fried butter', lol. But I'll pass. Besides, it'll just leave more room for the more traditional offerings like sausage and peppers! :-)

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  17. @Dominque. Oh, man, your post is priceless! I may wind up stealing it someday... :-D

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  18. Freedom Fest this weekend with Josh Wilson, Echoing Angels and Switchfoot. Nothing to eat but trash. Probably will go for Hotdog Heaven with their Chicago Dog. Oh how I wish the organizers would consider that all of us aren't interested in filling our bodies with crap. Something whole grain and high protein would be so refreshing.

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  19. @emmy. Well,you can't beat a Chicago Dog (in all it's various incarnations) but I'm with you, it would be nice to have something a little bit healthy at these events. The question is: would anybody buy them? LOL.

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  20. Haha, very good points! Deep-fried butter? Now I'm over the shock - I'd love to try it just the once!

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  21. @Jenny. I'm still getting over the shock, lol. But if you decide to whip some up, save one for me. Just so I can say I sampled one, :-D

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  22. I love this blog!!! I got the same feeling too... one time I went to a fair. I want to have corn dog and I found they use the frozen that we can buy it in grocery to sell it to me (that sad)..also I saw deep fried twinkies OMG that sound....anyway I want to try deep fried butter just one(just want to know how is that!!!!)

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  23. Just wanted to mention, Warren, that your last paragraph elicited from me a full-out belly laugh.

    I've tried the Krispy Kreme burger (only 1/4 of it, actually) and thought it pretty disgusting. The deep-fried coke was only marginally better.

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  24. Sorry, I just couldn't read the recipes! I generally avoid those treats @ the fair b/c just the thought of them remind me how large my hips are...lol!

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  25. @Suzanne. But you must read the recipes! Then you will thank yourself for not having partaken of my over-the-top fair culinary treats! :-D

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  26. @The Gardener. Thanks! And to be honest, I'm in awe that you finished 1/4 of a Krispy Kreme Burger. I once ate half, but I think I had a couple of (too many) beers at the time. :-D. Now...tell me about the deep fried Coke!

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  27. If it went down better with beer (which I don't doubt) I'm in full support of the alcoholic fortification!

    I was pretty excited to try the deep fried Coke, but was expecting something a little gooey and very sweet on the inside - so I found it quite underwhelming. It looked and tasted like squiggles of deep-fried batter, with a faint finish of Coke flavor. I'm sure someone skilled in molecular gastronomy could come up with a more compelling rendition, but you can't expect that much in a food park at the fair!

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  28. @the Gardner. Too funny! Thanks for your take on Fried Coke. Since it underwhelmed, I think I'll pass. Perhaps one day they'll come up with deep fried beer... :-)

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